I don't want to be a mum...

I had a bad week. Someone is pregnant at work, and naturally, everyone asked me when would my turn come. I managed to deflect that artfully with a joke and a laugh.

Having had a full week of "pregnant", "baby" .... blah blah blah all over me, I was looking forward to the weekend! Then, mum called. 

My cousin gave birth to the cutest little boy and she is about 10 years younger than me. My mum now wants her own "toy" and kept nagging. She wouldn't stop. 

• When will I have a grand child? 
• Why are you not having a baby yet? 
• Why did you never plan for a baby - you have been married for 10 years?  
• Having a child is important for long term happiness in your marriage (so, am I doomed to fail? it is going strong!) 
• You will be lonely in old age.
• Dont you know how to plan?  
• You are not getting younger.
• You will not be able to have a child at all soon!
• Everyone have a grand child, except me ( sorry, I cant get you one from Amazon)
• You should have had a baby ages ago! 
• If you don't want to look after a baby, you can give it to me or your mil, and we will look after it.
• Having a kid is easier than you think. With time, the kid grow up on its own. 

The last 2 points were the proverbial straw which broke the camel's back. I told her that unless she stopped immediately, I would hang up the phone.

I have the most tactless mum in the world. Most of the time, I would break down because I still don't comprehend when my mum does what she does.  

Of course, she forgot to mention that I never had a chance to have a baby! I never had the financial stability that I have craved for all my life. She can always find reasons to use up a big portion of my income all these years, and she still takes a big portion of it today. I am still paying off her debts. I just finished paying off my tuition fee loans last years, more than a decade after my graduation. 

I must admit, she made me really angry. I try not to blame her for all the troubles and pain I have gone through, but she never allowed me peace. She was the person who had kids, and expected them to grow up "naturally". I was expected to pay for my own college, and also put my siblings through theirs if they can't manage on their own. As soon as I entered college, I worked. I worked. Multiple part time jobs. Bursaries. Scholarships. And then my mum decided that my father was too old at the age of 50 to look for another job when he lost his. They had a pension, and they decided to start a happy retirement life. Soon, they ran out of money, and I was responsible for every single bill in the family and putting food on the table.

I worked long hours. I ate rubbish. Food had to be cheap. Carbs. Proteins were too expensive for me. (That was how I got addicted to carbs) I lived this quite a slave like existence, while my mum had a" normal retirement life".  Guess what, I never even had a wedding. I could not afford a bridal gown. I was too proud to admit that, but the truth was I had to choose between helping my siblings through college and a gown and a wedding. I have no regrets about my choice and never will.

Baby? How was I expected to have a baby in those circumstances? I am lucky to have found a supportive, loving husband who can tolerate the constant financial drain. I dread being an irresponsible mum more than anything. I dread bringing a baby into this world and not knowing how to care for it, provide for it and protect it. I didnt feel I was able. I was not able to. I couldnt even take care of myself. 

I thought I am prepared to be a mum finally. But now I am not too sure anymore. I dont want to be a mum, if I would turn out like my mum.  What if parenting skills is hereditary?

Very soon, having my own child is not an option anymore. It is nearly impossible now and will soon be absolutely impossible. Perhaps, I can then rest?