I don't want to be a mum...

I had a bad week. Someone is pregnant at work, and naturally, everyone asked me when would my turn come. I managed to deflect that artfully with a joke and a laugh.

Having had a full week of "pregnant", "baby" .... blah blah blah all over me, I was looking forward to the weekend! Then, mum called. 

My cousin gave birth to the cutest little boy and she is about 10 years younger than me. My mum now wants her own "toy" and kept nagging. She wouldn't stop. 

• When will I have a grand child? 
• Why are you not having a baby yet? 
• Why did you never plan for a baby - you have been married for 10 years?  
• Having a child is important for long term happiness in your marriage (so, am I doomed to fail? it is going strong!) 
• You will be lonely in old age.
• Dont you know how to plan?  
• You are not getting younger.
• You will not be able to have a child at all soon!
• Everyone have a grand child, except me ( sorry, I cant get you one from Amazon)
• You should have had a baby ages ago! 
• If you don't want to look after a baby, you can give it to me or your mil, and we will look after it.
• Having a kid is easier than you think. With time, the kid grow up on its own. 

The last 2 points were the proverbial straw which broke the camel's back. I told her that unless she stopped immediately, I would hang up the phone.

I have the most tactless mum in the world. Most of the time, I would break down because I still don't comprehend when my mum does what she does.  

Of course, she forgot to mention that I never had a chance to have a baby! I never had the financial stability that I have craved for all my life. She can always find reasons to use up a big portion of my income all these years, and she still takes a big portion of it today. I am still paying off her debts. I just finished paying off my tuition fee loans last years, more than a decade after my graduation. 

I must admit, she made me really angry. I try not to blame her for all the troubles and pain I have gone through, but she never allowed me peace. She was the person who had kids, and expected them to grow up "naturally". I was expected to pay for my own college, and also put my siblings through theirs if they can't manage on their own. As soon as I entered college, I worked. I worked. Multiple part time jobs. Bursaries. Scholarships. And then my mum decided that my father was too old at the age of 50 to look for another job when he lost his. They had a pension, and they decided to start a happy retirement life. Soon, they ran out of money, and I was responsible for every single bill in the family and putting food on the table.

I worked long hours. I ate rubbish. Food had to be cheap. Carbs. Proteins were too expensive for me. (That was how I got addicted to carbs) I lived this quite a slave like existence, while my mum had a" normal retirement life".  Guess what, I never even had a wedding. I could not afford a bridal gown. I was too proud to admit that, but the truth was I had to choose between helping my siblings through college and a gown and a wedding. I have no regrets about my choice and never will.

Baby? How was I expected to have a baby in those circumstances? I am lucky to have found a supportive, loving husband who can tolerate the constant financial drain. I dread being an irresponsible mum more than anything. I dread bringing a baby into this world and not knowing how to care for it, provide for it and protect it. I didnt feel I was able. I was not able to. I couldnt even take care of myself. 

I thought I am prepared to be a mum finally. But now I am not too sure anymore. I dont want to be a mum, if I would turn out like my mum.  What if parenting skills is hereditary?

Very soon, having my own child is not an option anymore. It is nearly impossible now and will soon be absolutely impossible. Perhaps, I can then rest?

Victoria Beckham had a girl :)

I feel happy for her. Like her or hate her, she is a reminder that it is possible.

At the age of 37, a lovely girl named Harper Seven. A person who she has always wanted to come into her life. I can imagine the joy and happiness. Perhaps we will start to see her smile? In fact, I noticed that she started to smile in some photos, like the one with her hubby after she was pregnant with this girl.

Like me, she has PCOS.  Although it is very tempting to say that she is one rich woman who has access to the best of everything, there is no denying that this is one really disciplined and driven woman. Sometimes I wonder whether the obsessively slim figure is also due to fear, of what might happen if she puts on weight? I got to admit that between the two of us, she would definitely win hands down in her ability to resist temptation if we are tempted with a piece of chocolate on a hungry Wednesday afternoon.

I am not 37 yet, there is still some hope. perhaps it is time to ditch normal food for sashimi and strawberries? Nope - that diet could bankrupt us.

going down the slippery slope.. IVF?

First of all, let me declare - I have nothing against IVF. It is a choice that people make, but it a choice that I always thought will never be mine.

I have always preferred adoption. When there are millions and millions of children in the world requiring a better home and love from a family, why should I spend thousands of $$$$ to go through the trauma, just to create my own progeny, my Mini Me?  In a funny way, I don't see myself  as having genes that are special enough. I almost have a Darwinian mindset at times, survival of the fittest. If I can't have a baby, then perhaps I should get the message that my genes are not meant to be passed down. Period.   If only that is so simple.

I don't feel that special. My other half is special to me, but is he really really special? That is when the guilt kicks in. If only he found another woman whose genes could have been passed down, he would have passed on his genes too! But he chose me. You can argue lack of foresight in choosing a mate as a fatal blow to his chances - he doesn't deserve to get his genes passed on either, but then again, is this stupidity on his part or loyalty and love?

After a few days of not thinking or doing anything about baby making - the sight of japanese kids looking for their parents depressed me, I went to google "fertility clinic" and    taaa daaa saw a long long list!  ARGC in London is the one that I found most impressive! The statistics page (http://www.argc.co.uk/statistics.html) really made me feel like "what are you waiting for!!!", but the prices... sigh.

Last night, I showed hubby the "price" page: http://www.argc.co.uk/prices.html
'His response was, "We should try harder for a while more. Let's see what the doc says. I don't think we have that kind of money to spend. "

I agree....that kind of money is enough to set up a very comfortable room for a child, and provide a child with a home with us.

Then again.. you will never know. The wonders of biology. My urge to pass on my genes may obliterate the belief I had for the past 30 years or so! The next thing I know, I might be hunting for the best fertility specialist in town.