uhhh, a period

in like many many months?

What exactly triggered it i wonder? About two weeks ago, i had breast tenderness. It was so uncomfortable that i thought that is it, i might need a breast reduction. Was that ovulation?

So when does that happen?

It is also funny that i realised that my period always coincide with me getting a cold, and start only after days of spotting.

damn... not today

I was going to bed in my hotel room when I sudden felt a sharp pain on my left abdomen.  Damn, having read that Taking Charge of Your Fertility book almost cover to cover, I think i know what it was, despite my menstruation not being very regular. The signs were pretty obvious this time. 

I was happy, as it kind of reassured me that it is still "working", but unfortunately, hubby was miles away and I could not see him for another week!

Another missed opportunity, which is a big thing if you are my age!

Is anyone keeping track of the cost of trying for a baby?

How much does it cost to get a baby? Err, those things like the cost of drinks in a bar and taxi fare home after a one night stand doesn't  really count here.

What I am thinking of is, how much does it cost? Those pre-conception stuff. Vitamin pills, lubricants (yes, there are special lubricants for the purpose), ovulation test kits, pregnancy test kits, basal temperature monitors.. etc etc. Oh yes, how about books? Books about fertility, books about how to do it, books about how to determine your baby's sex etc etc. There is a whole industry there going after our money! There are so many economic studies about how much it cost to raise a child. Anyone costed how much it cost to "create" on in the first place?

Xenical Day 7

When I see cakes and yummy pasta dripping in olive oil, my imagination goes wild. 


I see oily stool, leaking oil which stains my panty liners ( eeewww totally disgusting) in my mind. I hear myself farting and my stomach rumbling from the gases.  My stomach feels bloated, and I feel like vomiting from that bloating stomach. 


This is the psychological damage from Xenical? Yay!!!!

Xenical and I, Day 6

I have lived with Xenical for 6 days now. Apart from my naughtiness and it very well deserved pay back time of oily stool, I have been good. I have been watching what I eat!


So, no more leaky oily stools. There is no visible oil in my stool (good!). However, I still get very soft stools and visit the toilet a few times a day, instead of my once daily trip to do the "big one". Yes, I am farting. Yes, I am bloated. I am even nauseous for a few days! But heck, I am eating very healthily now. 


I guess the best reward from taking Xenical is my husband had been very cooperative - he is totally disgusted with the idea of leaking oily stool. I also made it known leaky stool means no baby making is possible - it will be just too disgusting.  


He had been willing to live with healthy food this weekend!

Unexpected excitement

I have been nauseous for two days. Maybe it is the Xenical which I had just started to help with my weight loss. Perhaps it is just a stomach bug.  I spent the weekend in bed, tired and have no appetite for food.


Despite the tiredness, I still spotted the continuous and not so subtle hint from the other half.  His "baby radar" was turned on! He had been asking me "jokingly" whether I was pregnant. I told him "in your dreams, I just tested yesterday",  but he was still not convinced.


I was reminded that have I have stocked up some really cheap pregnancy test kits; all I have to do is just to test (again!). Fine, to have some peace, I tested, again.  Negative.


He totally surprised me when he told me that the best time to test is in the morning. And apparently, although the strips are cheap, they are just as good if used correctly since it these are high sensitivity tests!!  Wow! I wonder where and when he learned this. He is a biology idiot.


I can smell baby desperation in my hubby, and I am not sure whether I like it.

High stress reduce your chance of pregnant, the scientists say

Yes, the scientists are now saying what many of us have know: High stress levels is not going to help you get pregnant. 

"Women with the highest levels of alpha-amylase (an indicator of adrenalin levels) had about a 12% reduced chance of getting pregnant during their fertile days that month compared with those with the lowest levels of the marker" 


So, tell those busybodies to go away and leave you alone, and stop asking you when you are going to have a baby.  My period had became more normal, until I was totally stressed out. Now, I am missing it for a few months.  

Xenical Day 2: the psychological trauma

I  have also quite reluctantly started Xenical (orlistat). I am using the full prescription dose of 120 mg capsuloes instead of those you can get over the counter. It works out to be much cheaper per mg of the drug!

I don't think this drug will help me to reach my target weight at all. But the very unpleasant side effects ( I get totally nasty, embarrassing side effects of oily leaking out and diarrhoea if I eat oily things) will hopefully stop me from eating anything with high fat content. That is the purpose of the drug for me, and I have been told to take it everyday, instead of only after fatty meals to get this preventative benefit.

So, yesterday I took a capsule about 1 hour after lunch ( taken it the afternoon, I save some money since covers both my lunch and dinner! Genius)  I knew I was going to take the capsule after lunch, and had painstakingly chosen low fat options for lunch. I gave the cakes a miss.  For dinner, I was dragged into a very good pizzeria by friends, and there was lashings of olive oil in my pizza! 

I paid for it later that night. I was so bloated (another side effect), and I had oil in my stool ( that is another word for shit).  This morning, I keep going to the toilet (another side effect if you take oily food).  I am so bloated, I can hardly take any lunch!

Horrible? Yes. Totally horrible.  Am I taking it again today? Yes!!! Anything with fat looks totally unappetizing now. Cakes turn me off. Those (fatless) konyaku noodles look delicious.

This will make me thin - shirataki, or konyaku noodles

I love carbohydrates - I admit. Nothing beats the nice feeling of having a bowl of hot noodles, some pasta, or even a some white and fluffy steamed rice to go with curries. 

Top of the list is is Shirataki  or Konyaku noodles.  I was in Asia and found that Konyaku noodles is a "dieting secret weapon" for the girls who seemed to be 1/3 of my size there. Shirataki noodles are made from the root of the Konjac plant and they are a kind of jelly. The calories are remarkably low!  


This is the typical nutritional values:
Typical Nutritional InformationPer 100g serving.
Energy: 6kcal
Protein: 0.2g
Fat: 0.4g
Carbohydrate: 2.0g
Sodium: 1mg
(Nutritional may vary slightly depending on the brand of Shirataki in stock)


Yes, that is right, it is 6kcal per 100g, and 1 pack is typically about 180g, ie less than 12kcal! Wow, that is probably what you get just eating a mouthful of pasta. I tried getting some and cooked, and realised that 1 pack fills me up. If I am not too hungry, I only need about 1/2 pack.  Since the main "material" of the noodle-ish dish only contributed about 12kcal, there is lots of room for vege and proteins like chicken fillet, prawns, or fish!


The noodles are really easy to cook. There is a rather fishy taste, i think, if you throw it directly to your soup. I find that by boiling it in water for about 1-2 minutes, and draining away the water is important. After that, all you need to do is just add it to your soup base, in place of usual noodles or pasta. It keeps you full, and only take minutes to cook!


You can get this from Japanese food stores, or larger Asian supermarkets. Here is a link:
http://www.japanesefoodshop.co.uk/shimonita--shirataki-noodles-yam-noodles---180g-147-p.asp

Trying delivered meals?

I wonder if it works.  I saw an article in one of the tabloid newspapers (which means it cant be fully trusted), about someone losing weight on delivered meals. It probably makes sense that I am only allowed to eat whatever in a box, and no other stuff. However, most of them are outrageously expensive and probably more suitable for celebrities with thick wallets (£32 a day for food is wayyyyy to much for me). 

I have been snooping around on the net a bit and found this http://www.golower.co.uk/ programme offering something for £7 to £10 per day. It still seems more like what I usually spend on food, but it promises weight loss. Hmmmm.. Anyone tried this? Are the stuff edible? They seemed to deliver 1 week - a few weeks worth of food to you.  Ketosis doesn't sound like a great way to lose weight, but I suppose there isnt any pleasant choices available?

period

received with mixed feeling of joy and disappointment.
The feeling that the period is here (yay, I am normal again) is quickly giving way to disappointment.  Another month goes by.

breast tenderness

I have been having horrible breast tenderness since a couple of days ago. That is funny, because I have not been getting any breast tenderness for quite some time - years?

Hormonal imbalance? or.....I don't even dare to think about it.

The temptation to take out one of those sticks is so high!

Review: Cheap pregnancy test - worth it?

Product: Ultra Early Highly Sensitive 10miu Pregnancy Strip Tests

Price:

£4.48 for 25 tests, £14.19 for 100 tests ( correct as at 11th May2010). 

Free super saver delivery ( mine arrived in 2 days)

Quality:

CE marked and FDA cleared.  10mIU/ml sensitivity

Ease of use:

The instructions are clearly written with a diagram to show the how the test results should look like.

Main advantages:

1. Cheap! Less than 20pence per test, that works out to 5% of the cost of a typical test (around £6)
2. Sensitive (can detect early pregnancy), since it is at 10mIU/ml level, which is comparable and even more sensitive than most top brands. There are more information about sensitivity of pregnancy tests here: http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/hpt.html#faq
3. Small,discrete individual package (12 x 6cm). Can keep in my bag, just in case I want to have sushi for dinner.
4. Discrete, fast delivery from Amazon.
5. Collecting urine in a small cup is easier than imagined after 1-2 tries.

Main disadvantages:

1. Short strips, about 6-7cm, and you should only expose the area of about 2 cm to urine. This makes it quite challenging "aiming". If you expose the area above the "Mark line" (see diagram), you may void the test. The easiest is to collect a small amount into a small clean disposable cup, and "dunk" the strip there. This is easy after 1-2 tries.
2. If you carry the test in your bag, be careful not  to fold the strips. 
3. Addictive. Because it is so easy and cheap, you might want to do it even before another ibuprofen for your headache.

Will I use/buy it again?
Yes! If testing is so cheap, I see no reason not too test.


It spares me from having to avoid "risky" behaviours such as having a glass of champagne or having a spa session which involves soaking in a jacuzzi or a nice meal of sushi. 


I was put off by the urine collection step, but learned how to do it easily after 1-2 tries. Very easy.  Worth the trouble for a fraction of the usual price.


I am going to buy the ovulation test kit next. 

Pregnancy test kits - what if you do not have a regular period?

I have no regular period, ie no indicator of "this is when you test".  Since I don't drink or smoke, I thought this was alright. However, I needed some medicines when I feel ill. Was I going to stop taking that just in case  I am pregnant? My job would be at risk if I decide to happily call in sick for so many days!  


Testing for pregnancy is an expensive business. Those test kits on the pharmacy shelves compete on the basis of their accuracy after X day of missing period. These are not relevant information for me. I have no regular period, so what is the value of a test that offer 99% accuracy after 1 day? Leading brands like Clearblue Pregnancy Test costs about £10 a pop in the pharmacy and offer fancy things like colour changing tip (so that you know your urine has hit the tip) or saying the results in English "Pregnant" shown  instead of crosses or lines (so that there is no way you misread your test). I concluded that their target markets must be teenagers who have regular periods and want to know if they are in trouble after some hanky panky in the school park. That is why they charge a lot more for than extra bit of accuracy and reassurance - price for a peace of mind.


Just for the sake of ensuring I am not pregnant whenever I pop some medicines or actually allow myself to indulge in some bubblies, I will have to test. How often would that be? Unlike lucky women who could do a couple of tests a month, I have no "missing period" as an indicator and needed cheaper options. Imagine my delight when I found Amazon sells a pack of Ultra Early Highly Sensitive 10miu Pregnancy Strip Tests (25 strips) for less than £5. I quickly bought a pack to "try", and have been using it for about 1 week. I am so impressed that I am posting a review on the pregnancy test.

The "I hope I am not pregnant because I did what I am not supposed to do" feeling....

That is a horrible horrible feeling, when you are trying for a baby.  I supposed that is only part of the stress for TTC marathoners, isn't it?

Family life had been tough recently, and I had been ill. I had to take some drugs to relieve the symptoms and carry on working. The terrible thing was, I was so scared of taking just in case I was pregnant. So, I went to the pharmacy just to take buy a test kit (even though I think I knew I was not pregnant), and tested myself before allowing myself to swallow all those pills!

The price of test kits are what I called based on an extortionist strategy. How else can you explain why it is so expensive, and one brand would sell for a lot more than another by professing it is the most accurate thing? For goodness sake, all come with a good degree of accuracy - it is about how early you can test.  It is an extortion to make (nervous/excited/anxious/soon to be disappointed again) women pay so much. When I got home, I did a bit of ebaying and amazoning, and my goodness, I found a pack of Ultra Early Highly Sensitive 10miu Pregnancy Strip Tests (25 strips) for less than £5 ( compared to Clearblue Pregnancy Test kits which usually cost £5-10 a pop in the pharmacy.

For someone without a regular period, the promised of even 100% accuracy on the day the period is due means nothing to me.  It means I have to keep on testing, when I have to take medication.

Lonely

that is how i feel....

But had it been different? After all, I have been the only one working on things all along.... there is no difference.

Who are you going to compare yourself against, huh???

Thanks for your comments in my post about celebrities with PCOS. 

Perhaps we should think whether it is fair and sensible to set a standard of what is "normal" and what is not for women with PCOS?

PCOS - polycystic ovarian syndrome, is a syndrome. That is what it is. It is a "collection" of signs and symptoms, and different women may experience different signs and symptoms of PCOS. On the more extreme end, you probably have everything "listed". I have almost everything now. Does that make me the "perfect" PCOS woman? Are you going to aim to have all my symptoms to be properly PCOS-ed? I did not have all these symptoms last time....and you don't have to have all of them to join the Victoria Beckam club.

My weight was normal when my periods became irregular. Within two years, my weight crept up really quickly and weight control became a big struggle. (In other words, stop telling me I made myself fat and therefore I deserve this PCOS, ok??)


Someone pointed out that  losing weight can be done, and she did it! The rest of us should stop our excuses. 


Right, sometimes I do use that as a convenient "excuse", especially when my weight remains the same after weeks of hard work and watching everything I eat carefully. How else am I going to cope with that?


Just because you could do it, it does not mean others can achieve the same results doing exactly the same as you did. Also, not everyone has the same amount of "resources" to lose weight! For a start, I have no soda or junk food to cut out from my diet - honest. The gym had been too expensive for me. Going low carb and high protein? Fine. How many people can afford another piece of pure lean chicken breast to replace that piece of bread or potato in these trying economic times?


Before I had PCOS, I had put on weight when I had injuries, but those would go off with "sensible diets" and exercise. I am not kidding or finding excuses when I say I find it hard now. I don't deny that I am faultless. It is just more difficult - you have to be even more disciplined and watch what you eat even more mercilessly. I have to keep on reducing my intake and keep on increasing my exercise and watch for the "occasional slip-ups". There are more cravings to fight. It is not an impossible job, but it is a big struggle. It is like climbing up a slippery slope - you have to hang on and keep moving or you will go straight down. See what I mean?

Even when my periods were irregular, my scans showed all the cysts and I ballooned; I still did not have the hair problem. I only began to notice more hair growth some time after that, but my doctors would still dismiss them simply because many other "normal" women are more hairy that I was. If you look at my older posts, you might see it somewhere - I remember writing down my frustrations. They would not do anything for me, even when it was a problem for me, and people around me noticed the change. However, against the standards of "normality" - I was "normal".

And now, as other symptoms become more prominent, my facial hair seems to lessen, or at least grow more slowly(I don't know why!). At its peak, I had to shave my "mustache" every week. Now, i can do it once a month (yay!!). However, I begin to have more skin tags! Urgh...

It is never that straight forward or easy, you see? I think, we should just focus on the problems we have, and try to tackle it as best as we can. Everyone is different. PCOS is already hard on us, so let's not make it even harder than necessary (emotionally). 


PCOS already take away so much from us (partners,  husbands, babies, opportunity to be pregnant, being stuck with this fat body and ugly hair and therefore not as pretty as we can  be blah blah blah.....). What we need is encouragements and help, not "if Victoria can be stick thin, why can't you". Since Jules Oliver is getting another baby (making it a total of 3 or 4 kids?), does that mean women with PCOS with 2 kids have lost the game?  If that is the way you think, or expect other women to think..  i think you have lost the plot!


Get inspired by others - yes! Despairing about "why can't I" when she could - No! 

Small piece of good news?

My "period" is here. Very very scanty. Just a few blobs here and there. Just enough to fill a panty liner or two.

Exactly two weeks ago, I felt "fertile". I was joking with hubby that I thought I was "fertile" but was probably imagining  things. The discharges, the tender breasts.  That happened about 2 weeks after i had some "spotting".

Is this a sign that things are on the way back to "normal"? I certainly hope so! I feel so motivated. I have never been so happy to see blood. But to see it exactly 14 days after feeling "fertile" got to be a good sign? My period had been drastically irregular for the past 5 years!

Things I need to do before getting pregnant

Start              Action
15-Mar           Pap smear

15-Mar           Start folic acid supplement

01-Apr           Lose 10% weight by sept

01-Apr           Do basal thermometer charting

01-May           weight loss check: > 2 kg?

01-May          Use ovulation test strips

01-May          Reduce coffee to 1 cup/day

01-May          Do pregnancy test monthly

31-May          weight loss: > 4 kg?

30-Jun           Weight loss: >6 kg?

31-Jul           Weight loss: >7 kg?

31-Aug          Weight loss: > 8 kg?

30-Sep          See fertility specialist

31-Oct           Consider injections

31-Dec           Request IVF

I am scared....

I have been feeling really scared.  Time is running out. 

For so many reasons (chiefly - lack of $$$ and job instability), I have not been putting my thoughts into action. To be honest, I did not feel really ready to have a baby. Insecurity. Credit crunch. Oh well...

 I guess I need to do things to get my body ready, and have a list of things to do before getting pregnant! STrat a list of things to do? Time to put some project management skills to good use : )

Pregnant? No!

Since the very 1st week of 2010, there is not a week going by where I don't get a gentle reminder that I am not getting any younger and should start a family etc. On the conscious level, I don't think I have let any of these pressured me or something. I am now an expert in dodging the "when are you having a baby" question, usually with something quite witty. I suspect that is my downfall -even my male colleagues are joining in the teasing and the fun. I know everyone meant well - I have not mentioned that I have PCOS to anyone, so I guess they are all thinking that I am simply having too much fun.

But I guess all these add to my stress level?  When I took a flight which was just a little bit turbulent, I had the sick bag stuck to my mouth for a few hours. I did not vomit, but the nausea was probably worse than actually puking everything out. Then, I got a few bouts of gastroenteritis - I was nauseous, and lost appetite. The aroma of some of my favourite food would make me sick. Taking the train made me nauseous. Taking the bus was unthinkable. I had so much heart burn and indigestion, that I slept very poorly. My mood was terrible. People around me joked that I was pregnant. My instinct told me I wasn't - and I spent a few days thinking "to test or not to test". I somehow felt stupid testing it - I knew all I had was gastroenteritis - the stomach bug was hitting everyone around me.

At the end, I bought a pregnancy test stick, and tested (these are expensive from the pharmacy!). Answer? Negative! To be honest, I was really relieved. I had been having lots of coffee lately, had a few drinks, and still too overweight. It hit me hard that although I have been hoping to get pregnant, I had not worked my body into a shape ready for "optimal" pregnancy - if there is such a thing. Where is my preconception care? Where is the folic acid? Where is the iron will (and also the iron pills - sorry for the pun, cant help it :)) to lose a few pounds so that my baby would have a less risk of getting diabetes and cardiovascular late in life?

Hmmmm... guilty guilty guilty

Happy New Decade

This is the decade... either I make it, or break it. 2010 to 2020. Either I get preggie, or never.

I was so pleasantly surprised when I revisited this blog yesterday, after running away from it for ages. Some one left a message for me on 24th Dec. She was still trying to conceive.

Yesterday, I followed the link, and saw on her blog that she had just discovered that she was pregnant. Thank you so much TTC. You had given me the best Christmas and New Year present.

Isn't the Internet wonderful? You can get the most valuable presents from total strangers : HOPE.